The Hitchhiker's Guide to Useless Garbage
by abfiaj
Summary: My first parody! Arthur Dent visits countless random worlds, and Zaphod Beeblebrox turns a whole group of people into Pez dispensers. Chapter 3 Up!
1. Introduction

**Disclaimer: I own absolutely nothing in this story, except for the brains used. That's right. I created the brain. I designed the brain. It's because of me you're able to do your homework. It's because of me you live and breathe. _And without me, you wouldn't be able to post anything on this website! Mwa ha ha ha ha ha ha! Beat that, Ms. Frizzle!_**

**Fun Fact: Did you know that if you take away the "i" in brain, you get "bran"?**

The Hitchhiker's Guide to Useless Garbage

_**Scene 1: Introduction**_

Narrator: Hundreds of years ago, someone had an idea that if you did something and tried doing it with something else, a much different something can emerge from that first something. This is not the story of that something. This is the story of absolutely nothing.

(Funky disco music plays in the background.)

Narrator: This is also the story of a marvelous book that was published to give meaning to things that have no meaning whatsoever: _The Hitchhiker's Guide to Useless Garbage_. The founder of the offices of the HGUG, Hookadilly Snotissue, was in favor of something that would appeal to more advanced species: _All the Crap in the Universe Piled Into One Book_, but there were two problems with his idea. Firstly, the word "crap" on Fugeddaboutit 53 means "In seven days, we shall send Al Roker to annihilate you all," and so, to avoid any conflict with the Fugeddaboutitians, they dropped it. The second reason was because the acronym of that book would be ATCITUPIOB, and they decided that it would be too long for publishing purposes, and so, they dropped it.

Narrator from TV Show: What are you doing here?

Narrator: I'm narrating! They had me do the movie, didn't they?

Narrator from TV Show: So what? The TV show lasted longer! Plus, my British accent is more narrative than yours!

Narrator: Oh, yeah? Well, I'm more hip and cool, dig?

(Think about Stephen Fry saying that, and soon reality will sink in.)

Narrator from TV Show: Why?

Narrator: Because I recorded a hip-hop song! (whispers to Mac fans) Available on iTunes now.

Mac Fans: All hail the iMacs with Intel… All hail the iPods with video… All hail the Tiger upgrades… All hail Steve Jobs…

Narrator from TV Show: Shut up! And what the heck is a "Steve Jobs"? Some sort of processor?

Narrator: (gets ready to strangle himself with a rope) This is the twenty-first century, knucklehead.

Narrator from TV Show: That's it! (British accent) Say hello to my little friend!

(holds up can of Spam)

Narrator: What does that have to do with anything?

Narrator from TV Show: I thought this was considered evil!

Narrator: Like I said, twenty-first century.

Narrator from TV Show: Oh, fiddlesticks.

(throws can of Spam near Mac fans)

Mac Fans: What is this?

Narrator: (sarcastic) Spam. Steve Jobs invented it.

Mac Fans: All hail Spam… All hail Spam…

Monty Python: Hang on! We copyrighted Spam! Every time you say that word, we make a bajikidillion dollars!

Narrator from TV Show: What the heck is that?

Narrator: I know! (narrative voice) A bajikidillion is a number started on the planet Ni, and is now used very commonly on Earth when buying illegal shookifits.

Narrator from TV Show: What's a shookifit?

Narrator: (irritated) Look, just because you narrated the TV show in '81 doesn't mean you have to be so immune to what a shookifit is! In any case, a shookifit is a thing.

(Narrator from TV Show gets so annoyed, he runs into a wall and falls unconscious. All of a sudden, a ninja comes out of nowhere and threatens the Mac fans.)

Mac Fans: Quick! Retreat to the safety of your nearest Apple store!

(Ninja takes off mask and reveals himself to be Bill Gates.)

Bill Gates: Hi! I'm Bill Gates, and I'm here because Douglas Adams was my wife.

Narrator: (narrating) For those of you who don't know who Douglas Adams is, _what the hell are you reading this for?_ And for those of you who didn't know Douglas Adams is a woman, _he isn't!_

Bill Gates: I'm also here because Steve Jobs stole my Snickers in 4th grade! Since then, we've been designing computers.

Narrator: What do Snickers have to do with computers?

Bill Gates: Absolutely nothing. We used to be on the debate team, but we eventually started designing computers.

Narrator: (veins pulsing) It's times like this that made me wish I asked for a bigger part in the movie. Maybe then I wouldn't be behind the scenes, narrating all the time.

Marvin: Lucky you. You don't have to come on-camera.

Narrator: (bellows) GET OUT OF HERE! I HAVEN'T WORKED UP TO YOU YET! I DIDN'T EVEN GET A CHANCE TO INTRODUCE ARTHUR DENT! (breathes frantically, and finally resumes narrating) This is Arthur Dent.

Arthur: (wakes up) Fluffy pink spiders!

Narrator: Arthur Dent led a seemingly random life, with twists and turns wherever he went.

Arthur: Yvan eht nioj!

Homer: Hey! That's my subliminal message! Give it back!

(Arthur and Homer Simpson start fighting.)

Narrator: Hey! Homer! Get back to Channel 5 where you belong!

Homer: D'oh! (leaves)

Narrator: Anyway, Arthur walked outside to get the newspaper when he suddenly noticed the big yellow bulldozers preparing to demolish his house.

Arthur: What are you fellows doing?

Mr. L. Prosser: We're destroying your house so we can build a bypass!

Arthur: Oh. Well, can you just wait until I've finished reading the paper? I love reading the funnies before my house is destroyed.

Narrator: What the…

Mr. L. Prosser: (interrupts) Hey! You didn't give me a stupid boring explanation-that-we-really-don't-want-to-hear thingie!

Narrator: Oh, all right. Mr. L. Prosser is a fat loony who sleeps with his dog (you sick bastard!) nightly. He hates people, which is why he loves demolishing houses. Twenty years ago, he was put in a nuthouse for trying to demolish Big Ben using bits of straw, chicken fingers, and Spongebob plush toys. He also hates money, so whenever he sees money, he starts chanting "Boom shacka lacka lacka" and takes off his shirt.

Prosser: Oh, come on! The dog was lonely! I'm not married! We're perfect for each other!

Arthur: Excuse me, but did anyone notice that I am currently lying flat in front of this bulldozer so that it doesn't destroy my fireplace?

Prosser: What about the rest of your house?

Arthur: (patriotic-like) You can demolish my bed. You can demolish my kitchen. You can even take away my funnies section of the newspaper. But you will _never_ destroy my fireplace! It keeps me warm at night! Shakoo Simitaka!

Narrator: Normally at this point, I would introduce Ford Prefect…

Ford: Yes!

Narrator: But I don't feel like it.

Ford: Damn!

Narrator: Stay tuned for Scene 2, where Ford tells Arthur of the impending… dooooooom! (makes creepy ghost sounds) And the dog-lover gets tricked yet again.

Narrator from TV Show: I'm not unconscious anymore!

(Prosser throws a frying pan at him.)

Narrator: Arrivedercheese!


	2. Lewis Carroll

_**Scene 2: Lewis Carroll**_

Narrator: This is Ford Prefect.

Ford Prefect: "'The time has come,' the Walrus said, 'to talk of many things.'"

Narrator: Ford happened to have learned about the stories of author Lewis Carroll, and found a purpose for them. By quoting Lewis Carroll directly to someone, he could force them to do whatever he wanted.

Ford: " 'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves did gyre and gimble in the wabe."

Narrator: Ford used to be called Praxibetel Farquaad, but after watching Shrek, he decided to name himself after Henry Ford's invention…

Ford: Wait a minute. I want to change my name again.

Narrator: To what?

Ford: DeLorean Prefect.

Narrator: But there's no such car! Plus, DeLoreans and Fords are totally different.

Ford: Whatever. Be grateful you have me here, and not that ridiculous _American_ actor they cast as me in the movie.

Ford from Movie: Hey! You can't insult me! I'm your counterpart!

Ford (DeLorean, sorry): "Off with his head!"

Ford from Movie: (trancelike) Yes, sir. (walks off)

Narrator: Ahem. Now then, Ford… DeLorean was going over to visit Arthur Dent to tell him something vitally important.

(DeLorean walks over to Arthur)

Arthur: Ford!

DeLorean: No, I am now DeLorean.

Arthur: What?

DeLorean: On second thought, I don't really like "DeLorean." You can call me Ford again.

Narrator: I said, _vitally important!_

Ford: Oh, yeah! Now I remember! Arthur, those colors just scream out "fashion disaster"! We need to fix that.

Narrator: (sighs) I tried.

Prosser: Hey, fellows! What's going on?

Ford: Nothing, and yourself?

Prosser: We were about to demolish this man's house, but he's refusing to let us.

Ford: Excuse me. (sings) Valim foobie… sakaa deeschi…

(Prosser starts barking.)

Ford: Just as I thought. He loves his dog.

Arthur: But how did you know?

Ford: I sang the mystical chant of the Whovilles, which causes a person to act like who they love. Watch this. (turns to another construction worker) Valim foobie… sakaa deeschi…

(Worker chirps like a dolphin.)

Ford: (pause) Okaaaaaaaaaaaaay.

Arthur: I have a theory: these guys love animals.

Ford: Animal lovers? They're regular Steve Irwins.

Steve Irwin: I'm Steve Irwin, and I do not approve this message!

Arthur: Oh, so now _he's_ running for president? As if '04 wasn't bad enough.

Ford: How would you know? You're British!

Arthur: (sarcastic) Really? And I guess you're not British, then?

Ford: How right you are.

Arthur: (incredulous) What? But you have to be British! You actually know what crumpets are!

Ford: Whatever. Arthur, listen, there's something I need to tell you, and I need to tell you at the bar.

Arthur: Why?

Ford: "Curiouser and curiouser."

Arthur: (in a trancelike state) Yes, Ford. I will come with you to the bar and leave my house.

(The two of them get up.)

Prosser: Hang on! Who's going to stop me from bulldozing this house?

Ford: I thought you _wanted_ to demolish this house!

Prosser: Well, it's no fun without someone getting flattened!

Ford: Okay. Come sit here.

Prosser: You're pointing in front of the bulldozer!

Ford: Exactly. Now come on.

Prosser: One good reason.

Ford: "The Queen of Hearts she made some tarts all on a summer's day; The Knave of Hearts he stole the tarts and took them clean away."

Prosser (trancelike) Yes, sir.

(Prosser lies flat in front of the bulldozer.)

Ford: Now, gentlemen, once we leave, destroy this house and roll over this man.

Arthur: What? But I don't want these…

Ford: "Twinkle twinkle little bat, how I wonder what you're at. Up above the world you fly, like a tea tray in the sky."

Arthur: (trancelike) Coming, Ford.

(They walk to the bar and enter.)

Ford; Barman? Six pints of mineral water and quick, the world's about to end.

Barman: This is a bar, sir. We don't have mineral water.

Ford: Grape juice?

Barman: No.

Ford: Seltzer?

Barman: No

Ford: Apple cider?

Batman: I am the dark knight.

Narrator: WHAT?

Author: Oh, sorry. Typo. Wrote "Batman" instead of "Barman." Won't happen again.

Barman: No!

Ford: What about cranberry juice?

Barman: Sir, we have _none_ of these things!

Narrator: Refusing cranberry juice to someone from Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice is the worst insult you could ever give. Naturally, this caused Ford to attack the barman viciously with a large loaf of salami.

Ford: Eat Italian deli meat, you bastard!

Barman: Get off of me, you idiot!

Arthur: Shakoo Simitaka!

Ford & Barman: SHUT THE HELL UP!

Someone in the Bar: Kick his balls!

Someone Else in the Bar: Kick his arse!

Someone Else Else in the Bar: Kick his stomach!

Someone So Else, We Couldn't Exactly Explain How Else This Person Was In A Few Short Words: Kick his salami!

(Everyone looks at him.)

Someone So Else… You Get the Idea: Sorry.

Narrator: All of a sudden, something happened that was so remarkable, so amazing, and so weird, several people abandoned their glasses to see what was going on.

Someone in the Bar: Hey! Some guy's kissing a Labrador!

Narrator: There exists only two true forms of entertainment in the universe. The first, but less popular, bit of entertainment is a game of chess played on computers while racing down a busy highway at 100 miles per hour and eating chicken fajitas. This sport is most popular on the planet Dreek, but recently there have been sightings of this sport being attempted on thin ice by legendary superstar Shutup Effyoo and none other than Zaphod Beeblebrox, the seven-headed president of the galaxy. But the most entertaining thing you will ever see is a man kissing his dog. This happens to be widely popular among many races in the Andromeda Galaxy, not because of its convenient location near a planet containing multitudes of dogs, but because when the universe was created, strangely enough, the planets contained in the Andromeda galaxy all came with guidebooks on how to do anything, including kissing dogs.

Ford: (checks device) Crud.

Arthur: What's that?

Ford: It's an Electronic.

Arthur: An electronic what?

Ford: Nothing. Just an Electronic.

Narrator: Unfortunately, all of a sudden, suddenly, surprisingly,…

Random People: GET ON WITH IT!

Narrator: Fine! (narrating) There were large yellow somethings appearing in the sky that were so horrifying, so revolting, and so utterly disgusting, they looked so utterly like…

Arthur: (incredulous) Rubber duckies?

Narrator: WHAT? (looks through script) This wasn't in the script! The Vogons are evil, sadistic, and really, really bad!

Author: Yeah?

Narrator: So what the bloody hell are they doing piloting ships that look like rubber duckies!

Author: Beats me.

Narrator: That's it! I'm leaving!

Author: You can't just leave! Who's going to narrate?

Narrator: _You_ do it!

Author: All right, all right! The Vogons can pilot really _menacing_ rubber duckies. That better?

Narrator: Give them giant fangs.

Author: Okay.

Narrator: Ahem. (narrates) The Vogon ships that Ford and Arthur spotted while everyone else was watching Mr. L. Prosser kiss his dog were floating in the air in the exact same way rubber duckies do not.

Ford: Ladies and gentlemen of this bar, please accept this so that you may pay for as many drinks as you wish.

(Everyone turns to look at him. Someone in Bar examines the bill.)

Someone in Bar: This is an obvious counterfeit! What's a bajikidillion dollars?

Ford: 5 x 101,000,000 dollars.

Barman: That's a real bill, that is!

(Everyone goes for the bill.)

Ford: Take it. I've got a lot more. (gives them out) Now, I really need to go. Take care.

Barman: What's the rush, sir?

Ford: The world's about to blow up.

Barman: Nice day for it, isn't it?

Ford: Sure, let's go with that.

(He and Arthur run outside.)

Arthur: Wait a minute! They demolished my house! Those…

Narrator: Arthur and Ford then heard something that was very, very loud. The Vogons, apparently, had the ability to project their voices so they could broadcast messages across entire planets of grave importance.

Vogon Corporal: Congratulations! Your planet has been chosen to be the host of the 2020 Planetary Javelin Toss! All you need to do is learn how to throw 500-pound javelins!

Narrator: Why do I bother?

Voice: Get outta the way, you varmit! (clears throat) My name is Prostetnic Vogon Tex, and I've got news even better than Geico!

Geico CEO: NO! We just lost our biggest marketing ploy!

Prostetnic Vogon Tex: We wanted to put an intergalactic rodeo around the area, and to do that, we have to blow up your planet! Sorry!

Someone in Mexico: ¡Ah!

Someone in Japan: Ah!

Someone in Finland: (sings) Finland, Finland, Finland, that's the country for me!

Ford: Arthur, quick! Hold the other end of the Electronic!

Arthur: Okay!

(He holds it and springs appear on their shoes.)

Ford: Ready?

Arthur: No!

Ford: Go? Okay!

Arthur: Wait, Ford!

(Ford bounces them up and down and they keep gaining elevation with each bounce.)

Ford: If we can bounce ten more times in the next 20 seconds, we'll be able to make it onto one of the Vogon ships before the planet blows…

Narrator: And then the Earth blew up. Arthur and Ford died. The Vogons then went on to locate the planet where Elvis was on to blow him up.

(Pause)

(Pause)

(Pause)

(Pause)

Narrator: Just kidding.

Ford: 15…

Arthur: You know, it's times like this that make me wish I had taken my mother's advice!

Ford: Why? What did she say?

Arthur: I don't think it would help, though!

Ford: Anything would be helpful right now!

Arthur: She said "Don't eat yellow snow!"

Narrator: At the very instant that Arthur Dent said the word "yellow," the mouths of the rubber duckies, who are _very vicious_, opened and a total vacuum, the size of which any man has yet to see, sucked them into the Vogon ship without a moment's hesitation.

Prostetnic Vogon Tex: Ready? 5… 4… 3… 2… 1… 0.

(The Earth blows up, but then the pieces fuse into a giant slice of apple pie.)

Narrator: Did Arthur and Ford really make it? Why did the Vogons turn the Earth into a slice of apple pie? And why haven't we introduced Trillian and Zaphod yet? These answers and more will be revealed in Scene 3: One Froody Hoop!

Narrator from TV Show: I'm back!

(The Vogons shoot him with their blasters and he, once again, falls unconscious.)

Narrator: Off weedersane!


	3. One Froody Hoop

_**Scene 3: One Froody Hoop**_

Narrator: Before we return to Arthur Dent and Ford Prefect, we are now going to meet Zaphod Beeblebrox, the seven-headed president of the galaxy.

Zaphod: Whoo!

Narrator: Zaphod was wearing a bathing suit and was surfing around the planet of Damogran. Naturally, this was his way of making an entrance, as he was arriving at the unveiling of the most amazing ship in the universe.

(Zaphod winds up on dry land and walks over to the podium.)

Zaphod: Yeah! That was fun!

Heads 2-7: No, it wasn't!

Zaphod: Shut up.

(He pushes a button, and he is fully dressed in his presidential clothes.)

Zaphod: Well, hey there, folks! How's everybody tonight?

Audience: Fine, thanks! And how are you!

Zaphod: Oh, I'm great. I'm only just about to unveil the GREATEST SHIP IN THE UNIVERSE!

(Loud applause.)

Zaphod: But before I do, I would like to make a little speech.

Head 1: Ahem.

Head 2: Ahem.

Head 3: Ahem.

Head 4: Ahem.

Head 5: Ahem.

Head 6: Ahem.

Head 7: Ahem.

Zaphod: Now, as your president, it is my official duty to do presidential work. Therefore, I have been forced by my superiors to issue the following rules:

Rule #1: Party all night long!

Rule #2: Party all day long!

Rule #3: Party all afternoon long!

Rule #4: Party all evening long!

Rule #5: Party all sunrise long!

Rule #6: Party all midmorning long!

Rule #7: And party all the time!

(Everybody cheers except for one girl in the audience, who is busy playing handheld Tetris.)

Narrator: Meet Tricia McMillan, or, as she is now referred to as, Trillian. By a strange coincidence, Trillian happened to have met Arthur Dent only days before she was picked up by the seven-headed president of the galaxy.

(Flashback.)

Trillian: Excuse me! Does anybody here have the time!

Partygoer: Party time!

Another Partygoer: Dance time!

Yet Another Partygoer: Dinner time!

Trillian: Agh!

Arthur: Excuse me, it's 9:30.

Trillian: Thank you, Mr….

Arthur: Dent. Arthur Dent.

Trillian: You know, you're the first person here who I've seen that doesn't look drunk.

Arthur: Well, there are drinks everywhere, I suppose.

Trillian: Hold on a second. I'll be right back.

(She walks off and pours two glasses of wine. She walks back to find some other guy yelling at Arthur.)

Partygoer: What the hell's your problem, man?

Arthur: Stand back, or I shall be forced to punch your face in!

Partygoer: That's it! Eat lead!

Arthur: Shakoo Simitaka!

Trillian: (gasps) That's my exclamation! This is too weird!

(The partygoer tries to punch Arthur, but Arthur ducks. Arthur then headbutts the partygoer, who falls in a heap on the floor.)

Arthur: And if you ever mess with me again, I will sic my _vicious_ dogs on you!

Trillian: Wow! That was incredible!

Arthur: Thank you, miss…

Trillian: Oh. Tricia McMillan.

Arthur: A pleasure. Oh.

(He takes one of the wine glasses from her, and they walk outside.)

Arthur: This is quite a beautiful night.

Trillian: Yes, it is, isn't it?

Arthur: Can I ask you something?

Trillian: Mm-hmm.

Arthur: Would you…

Zaphod: Hey there!

(Zaphod walks over with bags over his other six heads.)

Arthur: Can we help you, sir?

Zaphod: Nope. Just checking out the lady here.

Trillian: Excuse me?

Zaphod: Yeah. I think I could probably excuse you.

Trillian: Do you mind?

Arthur: Do you even have a mind?

Zaphod: Come with me, baby doll. Leave this boring idiot and let's go. I've got a real spaceship.

Trillian: Why would I do a thing like that?

Zaphod: "Have no friends not equal to yourself."

Narrator: It is now important to point out that in the universe, if you ever want the ability to hypnotize someone, all you have to do is pick a famous person and do a complicated dance and chant at the same time, mentioning their name. Ford, like you already know, quotes Lewis Carroll, while Zaphod uses quotes from the Chinese sage Confucius. There are many others who do this, but possibly the most interesting of them is the mysterious creators of Incredibly Deep Thought being able to do that same thing with quotes from the Earth comedian Groucho Marx, despite the amazing difference in time between the creation of the giant supercomputer and the creation of the grease-mustached funnyman.

Trillian: (dazed) Okay. Coming.

Arthur: What? Tricia?

Trillian: (dazed) Sorry, Arthur.

(She walks off with Zaphod.)

(End flashback)

Zaphod: Now, it is my great pleasure to reveal to you…

Narrator: Ba da ba da ba da ba da ba da ba da ba da ba da. (pause) What? It's a drumroll!

Zaphod: The Heart of Some Gold-Resembling Element that Isn't Gold!

Narrator: Wait a minute. It's the Heart of _Gold_, not the Heart of Some Gold-Resembling… whatever!

Zaphod: Well, the tech guys wanted to use real gold, but some idiot stole all of it.

Narrator: Who?

Zaphod: Some guy named Max Bialystock.

Max: I'm rich again!

Narrator: Oh, get out of here, you greedy pig!

(Max leaves.)

Zaphod: However, ladies and gentlemen, there is something I would like to share with you. This!

(He throws a grenade out at the audience and it detonates. Everyone except Zaphod and Trillian are gone.)

Trillian: Um, they're not exactly gone…

Zaphod: What? This thing's supposed to kill people!

Narrator: Wait a minute. You're Zaphod Beeblebrox, the cool president of the galaxy! You don't just go around killing people!

Zaphod: Relax, they're not dead. They turned into Pez dispensers.

Narrator: Oh. (pause) Pez dispensers?

Trillian: Yeah, they're all Pez dispensers.

Zaphod: Cool. Now let's take this ship and get out of here before they find us.

Trillian: Zaphod, I don't think that's such a good…

Zaphod: "Even when walking in the company of two other men, I am bound to be able to learn from them. The good points of the one I copy; the bad points of the other I correct in myself."

Trillian: (dazed) Coming.

Narrator: Stay tuned for Scene 4, where Ford and Arthur find themselves inside the giant Vogon ship!

Narrator from TV Show: Why can't I narrate for once?

Narrator: Because of my guard dogs. Sic him.

Narrator from TV Show: AAAH!

Narrator: Until next time, Adeeos!


End file.
